No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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