also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
