He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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