so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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