Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
