I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
