Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
