theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
