No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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