Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
