He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
