Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
