May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize