I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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