I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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