What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
