wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
