shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
