My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
