After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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