I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
