my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
