I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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