i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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