sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
