don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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