I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
