The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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