Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Pooping to opera.
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