so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I need to stop coming to work sober
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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