so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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