I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
