I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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