theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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