when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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