Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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