bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
