omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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