hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Randomize
