Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
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you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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