I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
