not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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