I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
