apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
