come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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