So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
