Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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