Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
