he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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