someone owes me an orgasm
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
