she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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