I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Floor bacon is actually really good
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
