You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
