'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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