My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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