people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
