one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize