I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
