I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
