theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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