I have demons in me.
sarcasm needs its own font
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
