Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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