I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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