So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
