Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
