Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
