Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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