batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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