Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Alive.
So much puke
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
