If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
